Christmas is in exactly a week, why does it seem like I just don't care. Its not even the feeling of "i'm not ready" or "it doesn't feel like it should be Christmas" althought it is partly a "it doesn't feel like it is Christmas time" but mainly a "i don't care". It might be because this will be the first Christmas without my Grandpa and it just seems depressing, but also we're not going to my Lola's dispite my begging, and geniune not caring attitude.

Also, my family is having a christmas dinner with my boyfriend's family and to top it off they're getting him a christmas present. AH i'm not fucking married! I just want a boyfriend a normal teenage boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I don't love him. I'm going to flat out admit it right now. In my heart I don't love him and I never have, and in my head I don't love him. He's my friend that's it. We should never even by friends with benefits because honestly he kind of repulses me. which is horrible but he does. I hate the touching, the feeling, his fucking PMSing, he's inablilty to take a joke, his immaturity, his need to eat whatever it is that i'm baking, and his persistant pouting! I want out of this relationship, I wanted out the first day I was stuck in it...which was fucking 4 years ago! Damn me and my need to make others happy. He can't be happy with me, he can't. I almost think that he's burying it to, but I can't break it off. I NEED him to do it!